“Monster”
Posted at 21:12 on 4th November 2020 - permalink

My latest contribution to the Maraoke video game karaoke songlist – first performed virtually by Ste Curran* and myself on 30/10/2020 at Maraoke Lockdown! #11 (Halloween Special). This song has been on Maraoke ‘wanted’ list for a long time, but the final release of Noita version 1.0 was what spurred me to finish it. (*Thanks to Ste for some flow-improving edits.)

“NOITA”
– after “Monster” by Kanye West

I shoot the lights out
Ride to the mines now
Whoa, just another ro-oh-guelite
Are you willing to sacrifice your time?

WAAAAH!

Witch? I’m a Noita no good spelunker
Zap goblin suckers and crush them in rubble
As I roam through the dungeon, looting is my function
Potions I’ll sample, each run is a gamble

Magic magic
Wizard I cast it
Everybody know I’m a mana-sapping Noita
Imma see another random wand then I grab it
Imma see another random wand then I grab it

Logic logic, physics built on it
Everybody know I’m a rubble-crushing Noita
Every pixel be like falling sand when I drop it
Every pixel be like falling sand, uh

The best wizard in these lands now huh?
Makes goblins dead, gold grabbed huh?
And their eyes glow red where a Hurtta is
And I’ve got a magic spell I’m gonna hurt ’em with
Mana flowing to my tip, nobody withholding this
Disarm traps, gimme that, triple double scatter shit
Imma hocus pocus this, taking an ambrosia sip
Angering the elder gods, practicing that occult shit

I learned my boots could slay rats and even snap chains
Bought a stave that always casts me blood rain
Freezing all these dummies with canisters of propane
Gold digger ’cause there’s dwarves making that claim
Turned invisible I spilt something from a blue vial
If you want to make a longer run you’ll need a clue now
Lit the fuse on Holy Bomb and hurling it at you now
God damn wizzy, how he hit ’em with a new style?
Reached that Holy Mountain, well what you gon’ do now?
Whatever I tunnel through, rock is hewn now
Not running through toxic goo now
Think you necromancers really really need to cool out

Cause you will never meet a hotter witch
So monsters, best advice is just give up and run from this
Have you ever cast hex in mid air tho?
Ahhh, I put the Hiisi in a necropolis

Noita making other games look monotonous
Game of the year and you should just acknowledge it
I’m tripping off the fungus now I’m grazing on the grass
I’m passing some unpleasant toxic gas

Scoff it, scoff it
Wizards just vomit
Everybody know I’m a puddle-supping Noita
Imma need to fill another flask with this tonic
Imma need to fill another flask with this tonic

Logic logic, physics built on it
Everybody know I’m a rubble-crushing Noita
Every pixel be like falling sand when I drop it
Every pixel be like falling sand

Spider, Shapechanger, Ice Skull, Wasp Nest
Goblin, Ghoul, a Mimic in a locked chest
Question: What do these things all have in common?
They’re all getting hosed by this magic-blasting Noita

Craft a, wand to, carve through every substance
Substance, none of you wizards have ever won this
None of you wizards have been the places that I’ve been
I’ve fought eldritch beings on my streams
Lava lava in twisted catacombs, I
get loot dropped by murdering hapless goons, I
Know why they call it the Falling Everything engine
Everybody wanna know what the best way to heal is

Blood! I can’t get enough of it
Always perk to a vampiric blood sucker
All I see is these wizards whining it’s unfair
Sneaking about, stealing from creatures in their lairs
All I see is these goblins with no shame
Trying to snipe me in the ice cold wastes
(*Sniff*) I hatched a massive worm
Seems to be the only way to make you bastards learn

Magic magic
Wizard I cast it
Everybody know I’m a mana-sapping Noita
Imma see another random wand then I grab it
Imma see another random wand then I grab it

Logic logic, physics built on it
Everybody know I’m a rubble-crushing Noita
Every pixel be like falling sand when I drop it
Every pixel be like falling sand

Roll up like a Noita
Monsters feel my anger
With a bad witch who’ll zap you like Blanka
Yes I dropped that anchor, melee weapon I’ll shank ya
You the Mountain King? Well I’m the queen, plonker

Okay first things first I’ll spark some flames
Then Imma toss some barrels of toxic waste
Cause that’s what a trouble-causing Noita do
Ten-tacles from my wand, that’s what Noita spew
Flask of Berserkium, that’s the Noita brew
Each run is a disaster you’re a Noita noob
And I’ll blow up blow up blow up all the tanks in your Hiisi Base
I kick a crate, then explode it now nobody’s safe

So let me get this straight wait I’m the newbie?
But I reached the lab’ratory ten times today?
Getting paid, early work, no final out?
Yeah my tower so tall Bennett Foddy couldn’t climb it
Got me in a Miyazaki mind state
Clever Finnish nerds that designed it
Gimme that alchemy when I find ittttt
All these wizards want Draught of Midaaaas

You really really wanna play N-O-I-T-A
Forget Sp’lunky, those physics be half baked
Don’t want to die but now somebody’s casting earthquake
And that way’s quite unlucky to die, eh?
Just killed by something offscreen, need to replay
This wand, hey, fires in a wide spray
And shoots down any bats that get in my way

Pink slime, thick as, you can’t sprint fast
I drink this red flask bigger crit chance
And look I got a chainsaw, digging to the next floor
Aaaaah, I’m a motherfucking Noita!!!

[BREAK]

I got revived
Now I’m transmogrified
Died in a trash biome
So I’m not getting home

I got revived
Now I’m transmogrified
Died in a trash biome
So I’m not getting home

I got revived
Now I’m transmogrified
Died in a trash biome
So I’m not getting home…

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